Somehow we survived the first month of Elliott being in heaven. I realized today was Tuesday late this afternoon and refused to process that it was 1 month until after the girls were in bed. Then, while tucking Ivy in she said, once again, that she didn’t want Elliott to go. 💔 me too.
As many of you know I have an uncle and aunt who have lost 2 boys. And I called my uncle Russ from the ER a month ago to tell him that we had joined the club. It wasn’t a club we wanted to be in, and he wasn’t particularly keen on welcoming us into it. He whispered on the phone as we were hanging up that he was jealous of Elliott. And at the time I thought I knew what he meant. From a Christian perspective it made sense. A month later I understand even more. I’ve never in my life longed for heaven like I do now.
I asked my mom about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans today. And part of me longs for the normalcy of a big family holiday. And a big part of me dreads it. I don’t want to do Christmas morning without him. Even though- his daily celebration is more beautiful and glorious than I can even imagine.
Every single day there’s a hole somewhere that needs to be filled. Todays was folding the laundry that’s officially taken me 9 days to complete and the spot on the counter where his pile normally lay was empty. Gut punch.
Grief is hard. But Jeff and I (and the girls) have experienced tremendous support, love, prayers, food, donations, etc. messages from people who have walked similar paths and messages from friends to strangers saying they’re thinking and praying and loving on us from afar. We’ve been grieving on our own and as a family the best we know how, and somehow have felt pretty connected to each other throughout the last month.
Being Elliott’s mom healed me in ways I can’t even go into yet. And the love I carry for that little man is hard to put into words.
Please enjoy the clips from his last week or so on earth.
All he knew was love and joy. “I love you three” ♥️
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